The Gallifreyan Academy of Fanfiction Academia
by chemicalflashes
Summary: "Welcome to GAFA, hope you don't get too psychologically traumatized during your stay." Where idiotic Whovians and Time Lord Lusters learn what happens when they upload crap fanfic. Mary Sues will be tortured, the Grammar Zone will be ruthless, and Canon will have its sweet, fish-fingers and custard flavored vengeance... or will they? [Original story by Ashton Redde]
1. Gallifreyan Contracts

**Note: This story was originally written by** _ **Ashton Redde**_ **. However, she has decided to discontinue it. Chapters 1 through 5 have been written by her. I'll be continuing from Chapter 6 onwards. All of her original writing of chapters 1-6 and the A/Ns have been preserved and have not been edited by me.**

 **I would like to thank Ashton Redde for allowing me to continue this fabulous story of hers.**

 **See you soon at Chapter 6!**

— **chemicalflashes**

* * *

The Gallifreyan Academy of Fanfiction Academia

By Miss Hanna

A parody inspired by Miss Camilla Sandman.

 _"It's true Doctor," Said Yvette Alexandria Joanna-Lee Jones, foster-sister to Martha Jones, real name Yvettadventurelovearia, a sad, nearly bittersweet smile showcasing her sparkling white teeth. "I am the last Time Lady of Gallifray."_

 _"I'm not alone anymore!" The Tenth Doctor breathed, his wide smile nowing no bounds._

 _"And we can be together traveling thru out time and space, the Doctor and his loyal companion."_

 _The two Gallifrayans drew closer, arms wrapped around each other-_

 _ERROR 112363. KEYBOARD LOCKED UNTIL LICENSE OBTAINED._

"What the hell?" Emily Dent swore. She tried pressing the power button. No result. The screen didn't even shut off. The battery and mouse seemed fine, it was just that her damn laptop refused to do anything.

She ran her hands through her mousy brown hair, trying not to freak out. It was only a rough draft, but it was the first solid idea she had had in months for a fan fiction. School had driven her crazy since her senior year had started, giving her little time to focus on her writing. She had to satisfy her reviewers! Admittedly, she only had about thirty or forty for her last story. Now there was this 'license' she had to get, whatever the hell that was. Maybe it was some Microsoft thing?

Emily groaned and closed her laptop. She had just got up from her chair to go to the kitchen and grab some cocoa when there was a sudden burst of noise behind her. It was the sound of electricity crackling. A blue light danced off the wall (being plastered with Doctor Who posters of course) like a light reflected onto water. She jumped and squealed, stupidly grabbing a pencil to defend herself with. As she whirled around, the man and woman who had mysteriously appeared in her bedroom started laughing.

She stared at them, quite unable to speak, stubby pencil held up in a manic pose The man was shorter and balding, giggling like a child as he leaned on the shoulder of the tall, Hispanic-looking woman next to him. They both wore blue suits with a small pin in the lapel, the polished silver letters spelling out GAFA.

"Oh, God, that was great." The man snorted. His British accent was the classic RP Emily had been trying, and miserably failing, to imitate in her spare time. Even when scared, she still felt jealous.

"Absolutely priceless. Miss Lily is going to love that when we see her."

The Hispanic woman grinned in a cat-like manner. "Priceless." She agreed, her New York accent surprisingly strong. She drew herself up suddenly and looked straight at Emily, her dark eyes suddenly hard.

"Okay then, I'm Bishop, this sniggering mess is Richards, and you, young lady, have royally pissed us off."

Emily just stared at the pair in shock and awe. How the hell had they gotten into her bedroom? Richards' left hand went up to scratch the shining patch of skin on his head. The sleeve of his jacket pulled back and a leather strap on his arm was visible. Emily recognized it immediately. Oh hell no, hell no, hell no. She was dreaming. That was it. She was hallucinating and had cracked from the stress, because there was no way in Gallifrey that there was a vortex manipulator on his wrist. Bishop continued to talk.

"Miss Emily Dent, you have been accepted at the Gallifreyan Academy of Fanfiction Academia, where hopeless writers of fanfiction and die-hard fangirls go to get rehabilitated- err, educated. As your computer screen suggests, you'll receive your license to write Doctor Who fanfiction upon graduating the Academy. Here's your enrollment forms, a campus map, a supply list, and a description of the curriculum you will be taking."

Bishop held out the forms to Emily. The teenager stared at her mutely, her mouth wide open. The hand with the pencil in it was still raised. Richards carefully removed the blunt instrument from her hand and his partner replaced the makeshift weapon with the paperwork.

"Well, we'll just lead you to your-" Bishop glanced around Who-themed bedroom, eyeing the poster of the Fifth Doctor with hearts drawn around his face in distaste. "-So-called life."

She gestured to Richards, who rolled back his sleeve (oh crap, it really was a vortex manipulator) and started inputting coordinates. He nodded at Bishop.

"All set." He shot a wicked smile at Emily. "See you at the start of term."

Bishop clapped her hand down on his wrist. There was a flash of blue light and the pair vanished with in a harsh crackle of electricity.

Emily's hand fell and the papers went crashing to the ground, flying every which way. Oh God, she was completely insane. She just hallucinated two people teleporting into her bedroom. And they gave her paperwork! On top of that damnable essay she had to do for English class!

She glanced at the papers. They had been in a folder, a folder that was such a sickening color she could barely stand to look at it. It was as if purple had a bastard half-sibling. She kicked gently at the folder and it slid under her bed.

The papers and forms were ridiculous in the extreme. The classes made zero sense to her. 'Sueology: Die, Sue, Die'? 'Critical Shipping and Pairing Studies'? 'The Cannon of Canon'? Nearly all of the classes had numbers where the instructors name should have been. The campus map seemed to have a banana grove next door to the Student Building. Now that was one reference she understood. In the center of the four buildings was an odd figure-eight-like symbol. The Seal-of-Something-Or-Another, if she had to take a guess. Oh, yeah, Rassilon. She picked a TARDIS blue form, surprisingly short for an university application:

 _The Official GAFA Enrollment Application_

 _BASIC INFORMATION:_

 _1\. Full legal name:_

 _2\. Sex:_

 _3\. Age:_

 _4\. Height:_

 _5\. Eye color:_

 _6\. Natural hair color:_

 _7\. Current hair color:_

 _8\. Species:_

 _10\. Allergies:_

 _CONTACT INFORMATION_

 _11\. Home phone:_

 _12\. Cell phone:_

 _13\. Email:_

 _FANFICTION INFORMATION_

 _14\. Please indicate if you have written any of the following:_

 _Slash, MPreg, OC, AU, Incest, Crossover, Self-Insert_

 _15\. Please indicate if you have drawn fanart: Yes/No_

 _WHOVIAN INFORMATION_

 _16\. Favorite Doctor:_

 _17\. Favorite Companion:_

 _18\. Favorite Monster/Adversary:_

 _19\. Fears:_

 _20\. Chosen Side: Good/Neutral/Evil_

 _21\. Please indicate what you have seen/read of Doctor Who:_

 _New Series, Classic Series, Doctor Who Audiobooks, Doctor Who Films_

 _Doctor Who Books: Doctor Who novelizations, Eighth Doctor Adventures, Past Doctor Adventures, New Series Adventures_

 _Spin-offs: Torchwood, Sarah Jane Adventures, K-9 and Company_

 _Other (please explain)_

 _"I, the Whovian, hereby attest to the legitimacy of the above information and understand that I shall not hold the Gallifreyan Academy of Fanfiction Academia responsible for any physical or psychological injury gained while enrolled. Any injury gained is a product of my own lack of foresight and general lack of intelligence. I also submit readily to the tropes and teaching methods known as 'Learning Through Pain', 'Training From Hell', and 'Comedic Sociopathy'."_

 _Signature:_

Emily didn't know what she was thinking, but she sat down with a pen and burned her way though the forms with relative ease. Twenty minutes later, she stacked the forms neatly on her desk beside her still frozen laptop. She sat on her bed, the blankets proudly boasting the image of an exploding TARDIS.

"I've cracked," She muttered to herself. "I've finally cracked."

She giggled insanely to herself and curled up her blankets, deciding to take a nap and pretend it never happened. Carry on, isn't that what the British did?

As she slept, she had no idea that the forms would disappear with a shudder and an electric zap, no idea that she would wake up in a new, astonishing, insanity-inducing reality.

x

Donna Temple-Noble, the official School Secretary of GAFA, marched down the corridor, heels clacking ominously against the marble tiled floor. Behind her was Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart and Adric, both following a little impatiently.

The Brigadier tapped his finger against the holster on his belt. "Miss Temple-Noble, why again did the Headmistress deem it necessary to hire another Class Coordinator?"

Donna glanced around her shoulder at the Brigadier. "The Doctors got a lot of fans running around the world, you'd be surprised. Incoming freshmen have already clocked in at over three hundred. By the way, it's Donna, Brigadier, none of that 'Miss' business." She waved her left hand near his face. "Not single anymore."

"Donna, why is that Earth women have to take their husbands' surname?" Adric asked curiously. "Is it to show ownership?"

Donna burst out laughing. "Ownership? Ha! More like to lull them into a false sense of security!"

The two men looked incredibly disturbed at this notion.

"Alright, here we are."

The three stopped in front of a large wooden door with a mail slot and a golden knob. It looked like the entrance to an Oxford professor's study. A silver plaque read, 'Deputy Headmistress' and below it in a smaller font, 'Class-Coordinator'. Donna knocked four times, then winced as she realized what she had just done. Good thing her Doctor wasn't here. He'd go bananas.

"Come in."

Donna pushed the door open with no hesitation. Inside was an expansive room with dark plum walls and a floor slathered with Turkish and Oriental rugs. A large window the height of the ceiling was across from the threshold. Three maroon armchairs sat in front a mahogany desk. The desk was covered in papers, an antique bottle-green desk lamp, and a brand new laptop with the Union Jack plastered across the top. The tall woman that stood behind the desk seemed to be engaged in conversation with someone sitting in the chair on her right.

"You're right, the pay is awful, but it's more like volunteer work to be honest." She was saying, her American accent clear, but not in an overwhelming manner. "But there's a lot of personal satisfaction involved, not to mention you'd be making the world a better place."

"How's it hurt our world, really?" A distinctly Southern voice said. "All I remember about fanfiction is the really detailed slash."

Miss Hanna (her name was emblazoned on a desk plaque, right next to a 'You Don't Have to Be Crazy to Work Here: We'll Train You' sign) winced. "Don't remind me. Those Hetalia fics still give me nightmares."

"You didn't seem to mind at the time-"

"-Brigadier!" Miss Hanna cried, giving a particularly nasty 'Speak-and-Die' look towards her companion. "Great to finally meet you!"

She came out from behind her desk to shake the Brigadier's hand. She was only a inch or two shorter than him, with wild, curly brown hair that would put a Yeti's to shame. He could make out distinct smudges on her black frame glasses and saw that her trainers were scuffed and well-used. Otherwise, she looked honest and professional in a black suit. She shook Adric's hand with a pleasant smile and turned to Donna, who smirked.

"Not the tea lady." She reminded her boss. "You can get your Earl Grey from someone else."

Miss Hanna raised an eyebrow at Donna, amused.

"Save that look for when term starts. I imagine quite a few students will automatically assume you're going to be their 'best mate'."

Donna shuddered, a look of true horror on her face.

"God forbid." She said, as exited the office as quickly as she had entered.

"Brigadier, Adric, might I introduce to you our new Assistant Course Coordinator?"

Another young woman stood. She was a good deal shorter and plumper, with dark hair in a boyish cut ending around her ears. She didn't seem as put together as Miss Hanna in her t-shirt and jeans combination. Her leather jacket was too large and her smile was a little crooked, but she seemed pleasant and respectful towards the two men. She stuck out her hand instantly to the Brigadier, her posture becoming military straight.

"Lily Kevins, and it's an honor to meet you, sir." She said. "I always liked the UNIT run of the show in the seventies. They had such clever story lines."

The Brigadier fought a sigh of relief. Finally, a proper fan and not a squealing, teary-eyed fangirl. Though to be fair, a lot of teenage girls these days barely knew who he was. Damnable New Series...

"Pleasure, Miss Lily." He replied.

In contrast, Miss Lily shook Adric's hand more hesitantly. Adric sighed.

"Yes, I know, I'm supposed to be dead. On the bright side though, I get one hell of an afterlife."

They sat in down the armchairs, the Brigadier taking the middle with Adric beside him, Miss Lily claiming her previous seat. She swung her legs over the arm of the chair, bringing attention to a pair of filthy cowboy boots. The Brigadier couldn't help but roll his eyes. Americans.

"So, Brigadier, how goes the security measures?"

He cleared his throat in a manner very befitting a military man. "All the mini-mats have been accounted for and the force field around the grounds has been secured and happily tested."

"Happily?"

"Seven informed RS-6 that there was a beauty salon just on the other side. She had apparently insulted his umbrella earlier. He was very pleased to see that she wasn't immune to six thousand volts."

Miss Hanna snorted. "Good riddance. Those 'flaxen locks with fuchsia streaks' always got on my nerves."

Miss Lily looked confused, mortified, and on the verge of laughter. It was a strange look to say the least.

"What the hell is an RS-6?"

"GAFA keeps a multitude of test subjects on hand for class demonstrations." Adric informed her. "RS-6 stands for 'Relationship Sue Number Six'."

"You keep Mary Sues? So you can torture and kill them?" Miss Lily's eyes were wide with disbelief. "Isn't that murder?"

Miss Hanna smirked. "Think of it as killing a mosquito that's carrying malaria: You feel a twinge of remorse, but then remember that they really don't have lives beyond being annoying and making people sick to their stomachs. As I said earlier, you're making the world a better place in the long run."

She looked a little consoled, but still apprehensive. "Still doesn't mean I'm all that comfortable. Also, I haven't technically agreed to the job, in case you haven't forgotten."

"I could get you that pirate sword you've always wanted. To fend off the occasional Sue and threaten the odd student."

She scoffed. "You think I can be bought with fancy accessories?"

"You'll look ever so awesome."

"I'll throw in an X-box for your quarters."

"Deal."

They shook on it. Miss Hanna turned to Adric. "And what about the incoming freshmen? Any hiccups or news to report?"

"No, ma'am. The teleportation chambers are all set. Though I have to ask," Adric paused, considering what he was going to say next. "Are all the soldiers really necessary?"

"Absolutely." The Brigadier replied.

"Adric," Miss Hanna said gently. "Have you ever seen a rabid fangirl?"

"No."

"Well I have and believe me when I say they're as dangerous as an escaped Sue with a key to Ten's room." She turned to the Brigadier.

"Have the force field turned down to around one milliamp. We want to teach the students, not kill them outright. Also, triple-check the Sue Zone. I don't want another escape like in July. Nine's quarters are next to mine and I can still hear the nightmares he's having. Oh, that reminds me, ask Strax to come up here. I saw him practicing his aim on straw student effigies after breakfast. I think he needs to be reminded that we're aiming for psychological torture, not the physical kind. Now if you'll excuse me gentlemen, Miss Lily and I need to go over her contract."

The Brigadier and Adric left, the door shutting soundly behind them. Miss Hanna pushed her desk chair over to a filing cabinet, pulled out a fat yellow sheaf of papers, and tossed the stack and a pen to her new colleague.

"Don't worry about reading it, it's not like you're selling your soul or anything. Just remember, maim fangirls, slay Sues. Also, you're going to be Head of the Detention Squad."

Miss Lily made a face. "Why?"

"Because," Her friend said with a sigh. "I considered putting one of the Doctors in charge, but that would just encourage students to misbehave if it was one of the better-looking doctors. Also, all of the Doctors have informed me that they have started a union."

"A… union?" The corners of Miss Lily's mouth turned up into a crooked, silly grin.

"Yeah, a union. I had to have their contracts revised after they told me. You have any idea how long Gallifreyan contracts are?"

"A small dictionary?"

"You're adorable. Now sign the damn papers, please."

"Yes ma'am." Miss Lily flipped through the pages, scanned the text diligently, signed her name in a small, tightly controlled scrawl.

"You know Lily, I think this is the start of a beautiful year."

"A beautiful year involving psychological torture and pirate swords?"

"Exactly."


	2. The Mini-Mat of Doom

When Emily awoke, she surprised to discover that she was lying on a hard, warm surface and staring at a dismally white ceiling. She groaned and gently eased herself into a sitting position. She was surrounded by unconscious teenage girls. A white door a few feet away had two loudspeakers mounted on either side. What the heck was going on?

"Hi there."

There was a small blonde girl sitting next to her, maybe about fifteen years old. She smiled a little reassuringly and also seemed confused about their surroundings.

"I'm Marie Black. What's your name?"

"Emily Dent. "

"Huh. Weird. There's this writer online called 'Queen_Emily_of_Dent'."

She squinted at the girl in confusion. This girl knew her username?

"That's me."

"No way!" Marie grinned at her. "You wrote that story 'The Last Time Lady Standing'? I really, really liked it. Totally cool what you did at the end, bringing Lady Kaylana back to life."

"What? Really? It only got twenty reviews."

"Oh, it was totally awesome and I reviewed, like, five times."

Emily nodded and managed to shake herself from the fangirl-ish conversation long enough to stared around at the unconscious girls. There were quite a few with Doctor Who t-shirts. One girl had a TARDIS doodled on her arm in marker, along with two red hearts and several shooting stars in what looked like yellow highlighter.

"Is this a kidnapping?" She whispered.

Marie shrugged. "Doesn't really feel like a kidnapping."

It was at that moment the loudspeakers came on with crackle of electricity.

"EXTERMINATE!"

Every single girl woke up with either a wild shout, a girly scream, or a groan that begged for caffeine. Emily and Marie clapped their hands over their ears. The room was suddenly filled shouting, crying, and the overall sound of panic.

"OMG, OMG, what am I doing here?"

"I want my mom!"

"I want the Doctor!"

"Oh my God, the Daleks are coming! They're real, they're real!"

"Where the hell am I?"

"I don't know where I am!"

"SHUT THE BLOODY HELL UP!"

All the girls (there were about twenty-five, Emily had done a quick head count in the midst of all the screaming) jumped and shrieked, but did what the disembodied cockney voice told them. The speakers crackled again, this time with a smoother, more refined British accent. It was oddly familiar.

"Attention, fangirls. One, this is not a dream. The papers you all signed were legal and binding under interplanetary law. Two, when the doors open, please walk calmly along the corridor until you reach the exit. It is my esteemed pleasure to welcome you to the Gallifreyan Academy of Fanfiction Academia, or GAFA for short. Thank you, see you in a few moments."

The loudspeakers crackled and clicked off. A few suspicious glances were exchanged amongst the group, as though trying to silently confirm that this was really happening. Finally, one girl charged forward, dressed in a green and black Lolita skirt and a pink Dalek t-shirt.

"Sod it. If this is Gallifrey, I'm going to go find the Master."

About five girls sighed, followed by another five who squealed. They ran after Dalek Lolita (as Emily was mentally referring to her as). The rest of the girls made faces, but ran out the door with much pushing and shoving.

"Let's stay close to each other." Marie whispered to Emily. "I have a bad, bad feeling about this."

"Agreed."

"Attention, fangirls." The refined voice crackled into life. "If you do not exit the chamber within the next five seconds, the mini-mats will be sent to retrieve you. And they all just had their teeth cleaned."

They didn't need to be told twice.

At the end of the long white corridor was a large steel door. It took the pair their combined strength to push it open. As soon as a crack appeared, an enormous gun poked through, aiming directly at Emily's head.

"Surrender for the glory of the Sontaran Empire!"

Both girls leapt back with a shriek and grabbed one another. The door was forcibly yanked open. On the other side stood four soldiers, all in black uniforms with red berets and shiny guns. In front of them stood a small, humanoid figure in dark blue armor. It had an enormous brown potato-head and was the bearer of a very lethal-looking weapon..

"Come out and meet your doom!"

Emily and Marie shakily stepped out through the door of the chamber. They appeared to be in some sort of laboratory, with bubbling flasks over Bunsen burners and strange, sleek equipment that was right out of a science-fiction movie. There were several scientists in lab coats, standing around and making themselves look busy by fiddling with the buttons and read-out screens of their equipment. Marie was clutching Emily's arm in a death grip while silently praying.

"Please, God, don't let me die before I meet Matt Smith. Please don't let me die before I meet Matt Smith-"

"Silence, stalker!" Strax yelled (Because who else could it be?).

One of the UNIT soldiers cleared his throat. "Um, sir? Miss Hanna and Miss Lily encouraged negative attitudes, but advised all of us not to refer to the students like that."

Strax grumbled at this. "Ah, yes, of course. Damnable rules… But prepare to meet your doom, human scum!"

"'Stalker' is bad, but 'human scum' isn't?" Emily heard another soldier mutter.

One of the scientists, a short pretty woman with curly hair, approached the girls. Emily's mouth dropped open, her brain fizzing to a halt.

"Nyssa? Of Traken?" She gasped.

"Yes, I'm Nyssa," The woman replied. "And no, I don't do autographs or selfies."

She immediately held out a strange, circular bit of equipment with green buttons around the edges and rudely shoved it into Emily's face. A green light shined out of the alien tech and scanned the fangirl's eyes. The process was repeated for Marie. Both girls blinked rapidly and felt a bit woozy, lights dancing in their vision.

"They're clean." Nyssa told Strax. "No MS signs."

"MS?" Marie asked, clutching her head between her hands, obviously having a killer headache.

"Mary Sue signs. You did read the enrollment forms, yes?"

Marie shook her head, her face going a little green.

"All the worse for you then." Nyssa smiled a sickeningly sweet smile. Emily was rather obsessed with the Fifth Doctor and his cricket uniform, so she could say with some surety which of his companions were evil and which weren't. Maybe she had gone bad after leaving the Doctor?

"Move along." A soldier poked gave the girls each a poke in the back with his gun.

Outside the laboratory was what appeared to be a school corridor with several doors. All the fangirls were assembled in long line and at least a dozen soldiers were guarding them, all with equally nasty looks. Dalek Lolita was staring moony-eyed at a particularly ripped Sergeant. Commander Strax pushed Emily and Marie towards the line.

"In line, fangirls." He turned to the twenty-five teens and hefted his weapon at them. "Now, march!"

After travelling down a few hallways, they all came to a grand marble staircase that led down into an entrance hall. Three sets of double glass doors lead outside, where it seemed to be a warm, sunny day. Emily glanced up at the enormous ceiling in awe. It was painted dark blue with hundreds of constellations painstakingly drawn out. Gallifreyan writing swirled around the corners in silver. At that moment, a drop of blue paint fell with a splat on the face of the girl with the drawn-on tattoos. She shrieked and frantically dabbed at the TARDIS blue stain on her nose.

"Come stalkers, march!" Strax bellowed.

"'Fangirls'. Or just 'students'." An admonishing voice muttered. It was the same soldier as before, the short blonde guy with a tired look on his face. Emily snickered at that and she thought he might have smiled at her. He probably dealt with Strax on a regular basis.

"March!"

It was a warm sunny day outside. Well, duh, she had just thought as much a few seconds ago. But what was really interesting was that the sky was orange. Specifically, burnt orange, like the color of autumn leaves. One sun hung high in the sky while another was setting behind the snow-capped mountains in the distance. There were two moons as well, one distinctly copper-colored. As for the relatively normal-looking surroundings, there were four tall buildings with fancy white pillars, all built around a large courtyard. There were trees with silver leaves and a great fountain the size of a swimming pool. Said fountain was currently turned on, spouting water into the air as a few ducks swam around contently, emitting the occasional quack. There were hundreds of people milling about the fountain, some oohing and awing over their surroundings. A blonde girl with a red Dalek beanie hat (and relatively few brain cells) pointed at the ducks in glee.

"Mandy! A duck pond! With ducks!"

Mandy, a small girl with short hair and hipster glasses, rolled her eyes and pinched her nose in exasperation.

"Kylie, it's a fountain."

"Ducks!" Kylie squealed in glee. She took off running, only to trip over a small metal object and fall flat on her face

The small metal object hissed and bared it's very sharp, very lethal looking teeth. Its small beady eyes fixed on Kylie, who was whimpering over the torn laces on her TARDIS blue converse. It spoke in a cold robotic voice that was a far cry from K-9's cute articulation.

"Target acquired. Commence Level One attack mode."

The silver mini-mat jumped. Within seconds, Kylie had taken off across the courtyard with only one shoe on, screaming in terror as six mini-mats now zoomed through the air after her at an Olympian speed. Several screams were let loose as people frantically dodged away from the quarry of the mini-mats. One girl dived straight into the fountain when Kylie ran by, upsetting the ducks. Flying into a rage, they took out their vengeance by pecking at the water-logged girl and the surrounding people. After the dumb fangirl had circled around the fountain, she made straight for her friend.

"SAVE MEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Oh, HELL no!" Mandy shouted, her eyes wide in terror and her Southern accent becoming painfully apparent. As Kylie came at her, Mandy dived aside and nearly knocked over Emily and Marie. The unfortunate fangirl ran smack into Strax, who immediately went into defensive mode and pinned the poor soul to the ground.

"A sneak attack? I'll show you how Sontarans deal with their enemies! Slowly and painfully!"

"ENOUGH!"

The voice boomed across the courtyard and everyone froze, including the mini-mats, who stopped their pursuit to hover in midair. On the steps of the left and largest building by far were two women. Emily could tell from twenty feet away that they both had a bit of chub on them, but the tall, frizzy-haired one passed it off a bit better. She wore her black pantsuit like armor and her eyes were piercing even from behind her thick-framed glasses. She stared out into the crowd with an altogether superior look, hands on her hips; this woman looked far from amused.

Ha, amused. She got that reference.

"Now that's a better. Strax, you know the rules, no direct physical harm." Strax looked a little peeved, but he released Kylie. She limped over to Emily, Marie, and Mandy with a kicked puppy expression.

"Greetings, students." The woman announced happily. "I am the Class-Coordinator and Deputy Headmistress. My name is Miss Hanna, spelled without the final 'h'. I go by Miss Hanna, not by Hanna, Han-Han-kun, Hanna Banana, etc. Call me anything but Miss Hanna and you shall regret your poor decision-making skills for the rest of your sorry little life. Now, welcome to hell. Or more appropriately, outer Gallifrey. The gracious if pompous beings of this planet have allowed us the privilege of setting up our academy here so that we may educate you on how to write proper Doctor Who fanfiction. By the end of the school year, you will earn your license to write Who fics. You fail, you repeat the year. Now, let's make a few things clear. Firstly, upon returning to your world at the end of the year, no time will have passed on Earth. Secondly, you will be taught by the many incarnations of the Sainted Physician, the Oncoming Storm, the Lonely God, otherwise popularly known as the Doctor."

Several squeals went up alongside some cheering. One girl fainted, fell into the fountain and had to be dragged out by UNIT soldiers before she drowned.

"Like any great academy, there are some rules to prevent you from going ballistic, (mainly over our Gallifreyan staff members) so listen up students. We have them posted all over the campus, but Miss Lily would like to reiterate them before the official start of term. Miss Lily, as you may not know, is the Assistant Course-Coordinator and the head of the Detention Squad. As you might have noticed already, she has a big-ass sword. What you may not know is that she is happy to wield it."

Miss Hanna gracefully stepped aside and Miss Lily took her place. Miss Lily did indeed have a sword, a pirate's cutlass to be exact and it was sheathed in a scabbard at her belt. Unlike Miss Hanna, Miss Lily was shorter with a tomboyish pixie cut, an oversized leather jacket, and worn-out cowboy boots. She grinned at the hundreds of students in front of her and Emily could have sworn that there was something downright feral about her expression.

"Greetings, dumbasses. Like Miss Hanna said, call me a dumb name and I will skewer you. Hopefully, figuratively. Here are the rules: Number One, all written work turned in must be original. Number Two, glomping is strictly forbidden. You know what that is, you're fangirls, it needs no explanation. Number Three, no student shall enter the two top floors designated as the Staff Section-" She pointed at the building from which Emily's group had exited. "-Without written permission from a staff member. Otherwise the mini-mats, who are scary little monsters, will get pissed off. You know what the they do, as that young lady so helpfully showed us a few minutes ago."

Kylie whimpered. Mandy sighed and gave her a reassuring pat on the back.

"Number Four, physical and/or sexual harassment of a staff member by a student is strictly forbidden. I could say that goes both ways, but that's kind of a done deal. You guys are what, from fourteen to eighteen? That's disgusting and not to mention you all have the brains the size of slugs. Number Five, no running away from campus. It's a pretty stupid thing to do, as we are all out in the middle of Nowheresville, Gallifrey. Dehydration and starvation are a given. Number Six, student curfew is at nine PM, lights out at eleven. Other basic school rules such as 'no fighting' are included, but those are the main six. Break these rules and you will be assigned hard time with me, Commander Strax, Professor River Song, Madame Vastra, and Miss Jenny Flint. In case you're thinking of breaking rules in order to meet some of the esteemed members of the Detention Squad, be prepared for soul-crushing disappointment as well as actual soul-crushing. In conclusion, UNIT and the newly assigned Security Squad Leaders will be handling all school security. Screw up and there is a good chance we will know about it. That is all."

Miss Hanna stepped forward, a deviant smile on her face. She had been restraining laughter throughout Miss Lily's speech, ever since 'dumbasses'.

"Students with surnames A through M, please go to the East Building to collect your schedules and dorm room assignments. Students with surnames L through Z, likewise for the South Building. Your textbooks and school uniforms will found inside your rooms. Welcome to GAFA, hope you don't get too psychologically traumatized during your stay."

"March, stalkers!"

"Shut up, Strax." said Miss Hanna and Miss Lily together.

Emily knees were wobbling. Luckily the surge of the crowd managed to shove her in the right direction. Marie latched onto her arm to avoid being dragged away from the one person she sort-of knew. Mandy grabbed Marie by the shirt collar and yanked Kylie (who still looked scared out of her mind) along with her. The four girls made their way to the East Building, resembling a strange conga line.

Once inside, Emily could see that the lobby of the dorm building was a little less grand than the first building, but it still had a large marble staircase. Four table were set up in alphabetical order.

"See you later, I guess." She said to Mandy, but she had already dragged Kylie away to the 'G through I' table.

"Yeah, see ya- Oh. My. God."

Emily turned to look at what her friend was staring at in rapture-

-And promptly started drooling.

There at the 'D through F' table, (being stared at by multiple fangirls) was the Eleventh Doctor, bowtie, bad comb-over and all. He was currently smiling awkwardly at the young girl in front of him as she drooled all over his clipboard.

"You know, you're lucky we make all the paper waterproof at GAFA." He was saying. "Otherwise-"

Here, he pulled out a mini-mat from under the table and began petting it as though it were a kitten. The silver thing of death let out a robotic mewl as the Doctor cooed at it.

"-Bridgeadear here would have gladly escorted you to your room. Wouldn't you, Bridgeadear, you sweet little thing, you."

Bridgeadear purred and bared its teeth at the fangirl. The girl sobered up, wiped the drool away from her mouth and scuttled away with a terrified expression. Emily, starry-eyed (she gladly acknowledged the existence of hot Doctors that weren't Five), stepped forward.

Eleven scrutinized her for a second before referring to his drool-covered clipboard.

"Name?"

"Emily Dent." She said, voice a little breathy.

"Ah, right. Now-" Suddenly he halted and stared at her straight in the face. It was not in a pleasant way.

"You're the one who wrote 'Last Time Lady Standing' aren't you?"

"Yes! Yes!" She was so excited. The Doctor read her story!

"Yes, expect several character classes after creating that monstrosity." He flipped through the large cardboard box beside him before pushing several papers towards her. "Six is going to hate teaching you."

Emily backed away, hurt but still optimistic. Don't worry, she told herself. Maybe Five will be nicer. He certainly is hotter.

"Hey, you!"

Mandy, Marie and Kylie in tow, came towards her. Mandy was waving her schedule and dorm assignment sheet like a flag.

"We've all got a room together. Twelfth floor, room 12D." She cast dubious look at the enormous staircase behind her. "Apparently, the worse the stories you wrote, the higher the floor your dorm is on."

"Why's that?" Marie asked innocently.

"Students aren't allowed to use elevators, so extra torture."

All four groaned and began the long trek up the stairs. Nearly fifteen minutes later, Mandy passed a key to each girl and unlocked the door.

It was very small dorm room with bunk beds. There were two desks side-by-side between the bunk beds and two desks on either side of the door. A tiny window between the beds overlooked the courtyard down below. Emily stepped forward and looked out the window. Down below, she could easily see that the seal of Rassilon had been carved into the bottom of the fountain. Huh, so that's what the map had meant.

"I hate bunk beds." Mandy seethed. She threw herself down on the right-hand lower mattress and faced the wall, refusing to speak to anyone for a while.

Kylie grinned and clambered like a monkey up the ladder of the right-hand bed. "I love bunk beds. So cool."

She somehow tripped on the last rung and fell face-first into the mattress, or rather, the plastic covered package that sat on her pillow.

"Oh, cool, our uniforms!" Kylie immediately ripped into hers with no regard for the 'How-To-Open' instructions.

Emily climbed up the ladder of the left-hand bunk and sat down to open her package properly. Inside were five sets of a gray, stereotypically conservative school uniform, optional slacks included. There were several sets of dark red robes as well, with a gold badge featuring the seal of Rassilon on the left breast.

"Shoes are under the bed." Marie held up a boring pair of leather loafers. "And what the hell is that crap there?"

Luckily the plain wooden desks were strong enough to hold up the large piles of textbooks placed on each of them. Several had titles such as 'Sueology 101', 'Your Character and Needless Description', and 'Basic Grammar for Twits'. Each desk had a little note card with names. Emily noted that her pile and Kylie's had the most books.

Emily dropped her package to the floor and laid back on the mattress. Twits? Really? She had a bad feeling about this academy. She decided to surrender to a very uneasy nap.


	3. The Great Soufflé Debacle

"OW!"

Emily awoke to the unpleasant sensation of her stomach being crushed. Mandy had just thrown 'Names and Titles: How to Make Your Character Not Sound Like a Poncy Sue' at her.

"Finally." The small girl huffed. She was even tinier than Marie, being about two heads shorter than Emily; combined with her short hair, she looked like an evil pixie.

"You know you sleep like a rock, right?"

"It's one of my better characteristics." Emily muttered, half dazed from her rude awakening. "What's happening?"

"There's a 'Welcome to GAFA' Party in the Student Building." Kylie was standing near the window, applying lipstick and touching up her hair.

"Staff and students are attending." Marie was busy tying knots into her hair (never having had made a braid before in her life it seemed). She grinned up at Emily.

"Gonna try and snag Eleven. So damn adorable. I'll think I'll trip and fall gracefully into his arms."

"Oh... okay."

"Tell her truth," Mandy snapped at Emily, rolling her eyes at the Eleven-Luster. "It won't work in a billion-billion years."

"What's your plan then?"

Mandy grinned evilly. Acting on instinct, Emily moved a few inches away.

"I'll corner the Master and tell him that there are Daleks on the roof, wishing to make an alliance with him against the Doctor. Then I'll swear my undying loyalty as the sun sets and I shall be his evil companion."

Silence. Deafening silence. Everyone just made faces of varying disgust. Emily's expression was tinged with disbelief.

"You're a Master-Luster?"

"Of course. Why, what are you?"

"Five. He's sweet and lovely."

"Five?" Kylie looked dumbfounded. "But he's so old."

"Only in the New Series."

It was no use. They all looked at her as though she were insane.

"Just to be clear," She began nervously. "Who lusts after who?"

"The Master, aka John Simm." Said Mandy seriously. "I want to help him destroy the world."

Emily edged a little further away from her.

"Ten, 'cuz he's so cute, I could scream!" Kylie let out a shrill giggle.

"Eleven." Marie grinned like a maniac as her eyes glazed over, lost in her fantasies. "He walks around like he has no idea how hot he is."

Emily groaned. Oh boy. This was going to be an interesting year. Back home, it was a little weird to have a crush on the Fifth Doctor, of all the Doctors to choose from. She dropped the book on the floor. It fell with a deafening bang. Her roommates jumped and glared at her. The next door over, there was the muffled sound of someone yelping and cursing.

"My curling iron!" The voice squealed.

"Where did she get a curling iron?" Marie demanded, giving up on her hair and deciding to go with a ponytail

"You can submit a form for a single luxury item at the Office of Student Enrollment in the Staff Building. I think it's the gold one called 'Luxury Item Form for Emergencies'." Mandy informed her, wiping her glasses off on a tissue. "As you can see, I already submitted mine."

She put her glasses back on her face and gave a quick twirl for the others. She was wearing a short green dress made of some sort of shimmery fabric.

"Got to impress the Master somehow. How do I look?"

Emily had to bite her lip, but she managed to refrain from saying, 'like a psychopathic Tinkerbell'. It seemed impossible for Mandy to look anything but evil. It was something in the eyes… something that made you want to fear for your sanity. Not really a look a crazy fangirl can impress her lust object with, but no way was Emily going to be the one tell her that. No way.

Kylie had also cashed in her Luxury Item Form for Emergencies (LIFE, as Emily suddenly realized) for a very… poofy dress. That was really only the way to describe it. The skirt seemed to be practically circular, like a giant wad of red cotton candy. The Ten-Luster had refused to remove the red Dalek beanie.

"What about me?" Said Kylie eagerly. She tried to twirl too, but the fabric of the cotton-ball dress was restricting her movements.

"Uh, you look fine." The under-dressed fangirl muttered. She combed through her flat hair with her fingers. That was as good as it was gonna get.

A hoard of students were now making their way down the fancy marble staircases. As before, the four roommates grasped a hold of each other to not get lost in the mass of students. It seemed that a few other people had found out about the LIFE, because there was no way that anyone regularly walked around in a… wedding dress?

The crowd descended on the Student Building, squeals disturbing the former quiet of the courtyard. Emily wondered just how much money Miss Hanna and Miss Lily had to offer the Time Lords to host the Academy here. The screams and squealing alone-

-But then all trace of rational thought fled the young fangirl's mind as she caught sight of an impossibly gorgeous thing: the Fifth Doctor in his cricket uniform, smiling a little warily as he ushered students inside. She had dreamt of this moment forever, fantasized about it for as long she could remember. A stupid grin came onto her face. She wanted to walk over- no, run as fast as she could- and leap through the air and wrap her arms around-

But that didn't happen, because at that moment Marie, Mandy, and Kylie all latched onto her arms and dragged her away from the very, terrified, appalled, and slightly smug Five. Her roommates had spotted Madame Vastra, grinning evilly as she unsheathed a nasty-looking blade.

"You told me I didn't have Lusters!" Five yelled at Miss Lily, who was busy manning another door, shaking a fist in the air. "You told me no one cared about Classic Who! Well, this just proves it, I was right to be scared! I was right to put the extra locks on my door!"

"Do you really want to be proud about being right?" Miss Lily smirked at him. "Especially under these conditions?"

He suddenly froze, went pale, and stared at Emily. Quite unable to stop herself, she smiled a little soppily at him. Her roommates tightened their hold and hauled her away a little faster.

Several feet away, Madame Vastra put away her katana. Such a shame, she dearly did want to threaten a student or two tonight. Ah well, there were sure to be plenty of other opportunities before the night was over. She offered her arm out to Jenny (also disappointed at not getting to maul someone) and they followed after the students, sending out evil looks to the fangirls as they went.

-x-o-x-o-

The Student Building had a beautiful ballroom on the first floor. Enormous, naturally, and all white with wide glass windows at the end and pillars the size of redwoods. The windows overlooked the large red valley of outer Gallifrey and and the distant mountain ranges. There was a little stage set up in front of the magnificent view and a rock band of Ood and Silurians was providing the music for the evening. They were playing a strange song at the moment, sung by Abigail Pettigrew, with the lyrics, 'You glomp at will/You make Mary Sues/Your stories make us incredibly ill'.

Probably some new song by Chameleon Circuit.

Emily was near the refreshments table, feasting on fish fingers and custard (they were surprisingly good, even if they made you speak in the Judoon language for ten seconds after swallowing) and staring happily at Five as he spoke with Miss Hanna. She had found that it was safer to stare and get disapproving looks instead of glomping and getting a detention. The four roommates had split up relatively quickly after entering the room, trying to seek out their lust objects. Mandy was off brushing the teeth of all the mini-mats. She had gotten caught by Strax during her little scheme and had the esteemed honor of being the first student to get a detention. She was on teeth-cleaning duty for a week. Her dress was probably getting ruined too. What a waste of a LIFE.

Across the dance floor, a group of Ten-Lusters was following around the Tenth Doctor. Kylie had been absorbed not fifteen minutes before into the little (sorry, enormous) group by decree of the Madame President of the Ten-Lusters (her real name was Trudy) and was now giggling over her lust object. The Tenth Doctor had made the unfortunate decision to wear a tux for the occasion. Emily watched curiously as Kylie started pawing at his arm. Terrified, Ten took off running to hide behind Donna Noble. The red-haired woman picked up a silver fork and brandished it at the Lusters. The horde of girls quickly backed off. Had Emily not been a fangirl, she probably would have felt sorry for him. As it was, she simply gave him an appreciative look when Donna wasn't looking before directing her attention back at Five.

"Miss Hanna, is there no way that you can get me out of teaching 'Sex Education for Whovians'? I mean, surely these students would have already been taught this at their Earth schools, so there's really no need-"

"Nice try." Miss Hanna said flatly before knocking back a glass of punch. "There's really nothing you can say."

Five was furious, an expression that Emily thought looked quite sexy on his innocent little puppy face. Miss Hanna just shook her head at him.

"Look, I know you're mad, but no one wants to teach that course. All the older Doctors ganged up and flatly refused to 'lower themselves' or whatever. Besides, do you really want Ten or Eleven teaching that stuff? It would be pure bedlam, and that's counting all the 'episodes' we've had in the Sue Zone this past summer"

"I see." Five muttered foully, adopting an impetuous look. Awww.

Across the dance floor, a short man with a silly mustache and all black clothing seemed to be close to screaming blue murder at a tall man in an elegant smoking jacket.

"You won't get me this time Doctor. I'll defeat you, you mark my words!"

The Third Doctor smiled congenially. "Keep telling yourself that, old chap."

"I will destroy everything you have ever loved!" The Master roared. "I will incinerate the Earth-"

Three took a sip from his champagne glass. "You know, I really don't think you will, what with your track record and all."

The Master turned purple in the face. Jo Grant, looking far too amused and used to threats like these, shook her head and waved a plate of appetizers under his nose.

"Refreshments, Master?"

"Oh," The villainous Time Lord seemed taken aback by this strategy. "Um… thank you, Miss Grant."

Jo smiled, shaking her head at the Master's puzzled expression.

"You would think no one had ever tried to be nice to him before now!" She remarked.

Kylie wandered over to Emily, a dejected look on her face. Her red Dalek beanie was pulled low over her eyes.

"I don't understand." She sniffled. "I thought he'd like me!"

Awkwardly, Emily just held out a plate of cupcakes to console her

"Jo fo lo do ko plo?" She asked. Kylie just stared at her.

"No."

Suddenly there was an enormous crashing sound from somewhere outside the ballroom. The double doors at the end of the hall burst open with a bang. The Eleventh Doctor came flying through at high speed, pursued by a horde of screaming girls.

"I WANT MY CONTRACT REVISED!" He bellowed at Miss Hanna as he ran past her. She groaned and put her head in her hands, muttering 'the horror, the horror'. Miss Lily, feeling sorry for her friend, patted her on the back pityingly.

Emily's eyes widened as she saw Marie at the head of the horde. Her new friend could run surprisingly fast when her lust object was involved. Eleven leapt on top of the refreshment table, desperate to escape. As he ran down the length of it, dishes of food went flying. An enormous bowl of fruit punch wobbled and crashed, shattering to a million pieces and sending a river of red across the floor. The Eighth Doctor, trying to help his future self, stepped forward. Not minding the puddle on the floor, he slipped and fell flat on his back. There was a sickening crack as his head connected with the floor. Several Eight-Lusters gasped and tried to run and help, presumably so that they could 'nurse him back to health' or something equally as horrible. Amelia Pond and Clara Oswald began pelting a mix of scones and soufflés at the Eleven-Luster horde. The lusters squealed as the food made contact.

BANG, BANG, BANG! River Song had leapt onto the stage, disrupting the band and Abigail's song to fire her gun into the air. Fangirls stopped screaming and staff members stopped shouting. There was utter silence, save for the sound of Martha Jones, Rory Williams, and Grace Holloway running across the dance floor to attend to their patient. The Security Squad moved in and started rounding up the Eleven-Lusters. The Class Coordinator shot a glare at the archaeologist with a gun.

No, not Indiana Jones. Wrong fandom!

"Professor Song, was that really necessary?"

"Necessary? No." River lowered her gun, firing off a wink at Eleven. "Fun? Yes."

Eleven gulped and adjusted his bowtie. Not too far away, the Twelfth Doctor had an ugly expression on his face as he glanced between the two. Oddly enough, he looked rather… jealous?

Miss Hanna gave the three a disgusted look. No one wanted to think about that.

"Right…" She muttered. She turned around and jogged over to the chaotic scene at hand. The GAFA Medical Team were loading Eight onto a stretcher.

"Doctors, nurse." She addressed the former companions. "What's the diagnosis?"

Eight's eyes drifted open and he looked right at Miss Hanna. "Who are you? Where am I?"

Grace just shook her head. "Retrograde amnesia, most likely a concussion. A blow to the head can cause the former, but that usually happens on TV more than in real life."

"Grace, you're a TV character. We all are." Rory reminded her. He nodded his head down at Eight. "This is probably normal for him."

"You have no idea." Miss Hanna muttered under her breath.

"Nevermind that, let's get him to the Hospital." Martha snapped. She shot the Eleven-Lusters a withering look; they all shrank back under her gaze, huddling together for protection. Clearly they had underestimated Dr. Jones' ability to intimidate.

"Yeah, that's right, I'm looking at you." Martha said loudly. "Just wanted to remind you that you've caused this mess and we're the ones who have to clean it up."

She turned and followed after her patient. "Bloody fangirls." She muttered under her breath.

"WHO AM I?" Eight wailed as he was rolled off in the stretcher. The Eight-Lusters looked incredibly disturbed. Miss Hanna rounded on the soufflé-covered students.

"All the Eleven-Lusters will have detention for two weeks, starting tonight. Detention Squad!"

Miss Lily, Strax, Vastra, Jenny and River all stepped forward, identical evil smirks on their faces.

"Please follow Miss Lily and her colleagues to serve your first detention. Don't worry about Strax, we've told him we can't actually torture you."

"But we can maim you." Strax said happily. He turned to Vastra and Jenny. "That is correct, yes?"

Jenny sighed, a long-suffering look on her face. "As much as some of us want to, no, Strax."

The long line of girls were marched out of the ballroom, heads hung in despair; soufflé squished under their feet.

"Hurry up students, the fountain needs a good cleaning." Miss Lily called. "After that, we've got a nice little surprise for you all…"

Emily winced. Ouch. What could be worse than mini-mats or cleaning the fountain? She waved in what she hoped was a reassuring manner. From her position at the head of the line, Marie sighed and waved back, a blueberry scone in her hand.

-x-o-x-o-


End file.
